Kulula is an Airline with head office
situated in Johannesburg. Kulula
airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some additional examples that have been heard or reported: ------------------------------------------------------------------
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want)
passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight
attendant announced, "People, people we're not
picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
---o0o---
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies
and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something
we'd like to have."
----o0o---
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane."
---o0o---
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much
as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban
Airport , a lone voice came over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o---
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight
attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."
---o0o---
From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port
Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the
metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt; and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."
---o0o---
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child
travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
---o0o---
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try
to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you,
or your money, more than Kulula
Airlines."
----o0o---
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency
water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do
not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to
announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---o0o---
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard
landing in Cape
Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to
tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
---o0o---
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy
day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---o0o---
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o---
An airline
pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light
of his bad
landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers
in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a
cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am,"
said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we
shot down?"
---o0o---
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the
Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once
the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the
door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
---o0o---
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks
for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of
Kulula Airways."
---o0o---
Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the
smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can
smoke 'em."
---o0o---
A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies
and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
non-stop from Durban to
Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth
and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was
talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in
my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
